re-parenting: my experience with the inner disciplinarian
tip - if you prefer to listen than read, I’m simply putting into
pretty
written
words
stories, tips & personal experiences that I have shared on the last three episodes of the The Applied Human Design podcast (but especially the last two - titled post Saturn Return Glow/Grow Up; and Master the Energetics of Expansion.)
Ooooh, I am excited to activate some nervous systems with this one.
Little note before we dive in - you will know when it is safe and time for you to move from the 99% healing/nurturing phase of reparenting to the 50% nurturing and 50% disciplining phase of reparenting. If your inner child still needs absolute rest, love, softness, and to be allowed to get away with anything - ignore what I am saying. I am speaking to the women who have done a ton of healing work and yet struggle with getting things done, sticking to their word, holding boundaries, utilizing willpower, and using their voice.
Every child (including your inner child) requires two styles of parenting. The nurturer and the disciplinarian.
The inner child may be hurting and scared inside your adult body because the experience of discipline in your original childhood was one of shame, guilt, and/or being made to feel “bad” for being who you are. A negative experience of the disciplinarian parental role can manifest as:
- a ‘rebellion for the sake of rebellion’ attitude (rebellion without purpose)
- “eff you i do what I want”
-“even though I know this is good for me, I won’t do it because someone else is telling me to”
- struggles to hold/meet responsibilities of being an adult
- having trouble with willpower and sticking to your commitments.
And all of this can be cute and good angsty material for writing about in your teens and early 20s, but at a certain point it becomes a block. You will no longer be viewed as cute, but you will be viewed as immature. And it is not just about how you are viewed by the outside - whocaresamiright- this impacts how you view yourself and what your brain believes is possible for you to BE in this life.
Especially when you have big visions for the woman you desire to be, the life you want to live, and the impact you want to leave on the world. If there is an extreme mismatch between the vision you have and the way you view yourself, change will be all but impossible.
So, to heal the inner child, that first step is going to be forgiving her for her imperfections. This is developing the inner nurturer. What does the child need? What does she want? How can you make her feel seen, loved and adored?
And then. At a certain point - once she knows she is loved in a pure, unconditional kind of way - she needs to learn boundaries. She needs to learn integrity. If you speak astrology: she needs to develop that inner-Saturnian figure. And YOU - as the one doing the reparenting - are responsible for teaching her integrity and boundaries.
You, through the inner disciplinarian.
This will make her feel safe and trust you. And when your inner child trusts you, you trust yourself to make empowered decisions.
What is going on with a lot of my clients and a lot of people I speak with is that they have actually lost trust in their inner disciplinarian, and thus lost trust in themselves. Unable to make decisions or take steps forward. Tons and tons of healing work, a ton of self-awareness, and yet no changes they can actually stick to. And instead of turning toward developing the inner disciplinarian (who truly, deeply, intensely loves your inner child just as much as the inner nurturer - that is WHY they want to teach you how to enforce boundaries with yourself and with others) they turn toward more nurturing. Thinking that they need just one more emotional release, believing the life they desire is on the other side of one really good cry.
(Don’t take my words out of context - I love a good cry, and especially if you have the “rebellion for the sake of rebellion” archetype inside, tears will come up when working with the inner disciplinarian. Oh the pure hot salty angry tears of teaching your inner child boundaries and saying no, but with love.)
The inner nurturer believes you are perfect just the way you are
(and you are.)
The inner disciplinarian sees the highest possible potential for your self expression, and pushes you toward that expression. Think of the one teacher in school who annoyed you because they said things like “this is lazy work, I know you can do better”. As angry as they made you, you also loved them secretly because they see something in you that no one else bothered to see. I had that teacher. I still admire that teacher. In You. (Expanded Version) - I am BEING that teacher.
So. My own experiences. I went from hustle culture to healing burnout to loving up my inner child to deciding that in order to heal her I would give myself zero limits on free time, hold loose boundaries, and have such a hearty distaste for discipline that unless I was with a client; work & creativity hours could also be TikTok hours. Meaning, my creative expression became repressed, depressed, non-existent. And as I began to fall in that hole, it became more and more difficult to tunnel myself out.
So how did I remedy my inner child’s raging hatred for being told what to do?
I told her how much I loved her, and I told her it *gulp - trigger warning* was for her own good.
I found a vision of my future self that I hold in my heart/body/mind every time “I don’t wanna” take the action I know is best for me.
I repaired my chaotic nervous system that fell apart at the slightest challenge.
I had one last year of the sweet chaos that my inner child craved - May 2022 to April 2023 I played, ate ice cream three times a day, made new friends every single day, fell in love with a completely inappropriate lover, ignored almost all adult responsibilities, and indulged my Peter Pan (never grow up) syndrome to my heart's content. And I loved & adored myself through all of it.
It deeply healed my inner child and also - the lack of discipline created longing for feeling successful, fulfilled, and creative again.
It created an opening for structure, discipline, and boundaries around my time and energy to grow into my healed Adult self.
If you are a woman who knows who she wants to expand into, who has an idea of her next iteration of self and is coming to realize the only thing holding you back is your conditioned nervous system, then this program You. (Expanded Version) is exactly what you need. This is not a healing program, this is an expansion program - so if you have done all the healing, you are great at telling your inner child everything is going to be okay but not so great at telling her when it is time to clean up her messes and get back to work - this is perfect for you.
If you want to make sure it is the right program for you you can book a free, zero pressure (I don’t do pressure, and I want to know that you are ready for this space and it will help you as much as I intend for it to!) 10 minute interest call on that same page. You will let me know what is up in your life, and what troubles you are having bringing your expanded self into reality. I will let you know if You. (Expanded Version) is what you are ready for and if it will help with what you need help with.
This is nervous system work so I will be absolutely honest as to whether I believe you are ready for it.
I also got a couple of questions about payment plans - these are always available for any purchase. In the store, readings, mentoring, trainings and programs. You can reply to this email or DM me at @relentlessalignment to set up one that works for you. I had a couple of people not follow through on payment plans last year and part of my enforcing boundaries through the inner disciplinarian is ensuring it feels in alignment to offer a payment plan before doing so.